emotional wellness | integration

Mama-Nesting: Tidying Up to Clean out the Mental Junk

By on February 7, 2019

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No. I am not referencing Marie Kondo in this post! I am nearly out of my second trimester, it seems time is flying these days. I generally feel ready for Mira’s arrival and I am not stressing about preparations. I haven’t even read a pregnancy book. The weekly growth reminders from my app are all I need.

It is kind of weird to be in this space. Naturally I am a planner, but somehow this pregnancy is letting me go with the flow more than I ever have in my life. I mentioned in a previous post the personal work that is required of me at this time. I wanted to expand on those thoughts a little more.

Identifying the Clutter

When I wrote Integrating the Mama, I identified the types of thoughts that have negatively occupied my mind. This is the first step in healing any type of wound. Identify the problem, know how you react, what the mind does when you think those thoughts, and consiously change your behavior.

Just as you walk through your home (my Marie Kondo insight) and feel if your things spark joy, you do the same with your thoughts. Thoughts are things, and holding on to negativity will create a negative outcome in life. So, if a thought doesn’t spark joy– release it, change it, get rid of it!

Catch 22

Yes, it is easy to say stop thinking “bad” thoughts. Actually doing it is something else. We are creatures of habit. We have been told many things that are not always in alignment with our true nature, and we’ve started to believe it. We have maybe been abused or endured a trauma that has left its mark. Maybe feelings and thoughts around those events creep back in more than we care to admit.

It all becomes a habit. The emotions we are “comfortably uncomfortable” with are easier to dwell on than the joy we can create. Trust me, I speak from experience.

I think the definition of my habitual attitude is “brooder”. Merriam-Webster defines that as someone who worries about everything, lol. I will brood about something that happened 10 years ago and feel nothing will ever be “right” when everything within my grasp IS right. You see quite a catch-22.

Owner/Victim Choice

A few years ago I was pointed to this audio by Steve Chandler. It is totally worth your 30 minutes to listen! He outlines two very different outlooks on life, the choice of being a victim or an owner of life. I was a victim, who had a glimpse of ownership. An owner is someone who sees life as a gift and uses life as an energy source to create what they want for themselves. A victim is someone who is lackluster, feels that life is unfair or a burden.

I was raised by victims. My main influences were people who were defined by their negative circumstances and often blamed their problems on those circumstances. A very common thought in my family was that something bad happened 10, 20, or even more years ago, so today is doomed. This is why my childhood was riddled with addiction.

My parents and grandparents fell victim to their emotional pains, so they would reach for a substance or choose an action to numb those negative feelings. They could not name the thought, claim it, and tame it. I had (and yes, it still sometimes reappears) tendencies to lean toward some of those thought patterns.

Becoming an owner is to recognize it and know that I have complete and total control of how I think and feel. Each and every day it is my choice to wake up and choose to be happy. I believe life is a gift and there is beauty all around, so my to-do list each and every day is how am I going to recognize this beauty and express it to the world around me?

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Weed and Seed

There are many techniques for changing our mental habits. To truly tidy-up the mind you have to make a commitment to yourself to make a mental change.

To begin my “weeding” process I take an inventory of things that I engage with that are either fulfilling or draining. What am I listening to? Who am I spending time with? What am I watching on tv or engaging with on social media? Being aware of what is nourshing points you in the direction of what you need to do more of.

Consciously program in all that’s GOOD. I do this by listening to something inspiring in the morning and reading something positive as I end the day.  I do not spend a lot of time reading rants on the internet or diving too deeply into politics.

Spend time in nature. This is another big one for my well-being. Connecting with nature and taking in the beauty allows my mind to relax and feel expansive rather than constricted. Too many days without doing this exercise can really change my mood, and not for the better.

Surround yourself with a tribe of good people! Just a short coffee break with a friend or a playdate with a wonderful mama is a great way to nourish and keep yourself uplifted. It is easy, especially as a mom of young children, to stay inside and sweep up crumbs. Take time to nourish yourself and your relationships!

These are the tips I use to keep myself in a positive mindset, and something that I am making a habit of during these last months of pregnancy. I am keeping the garden that is my mind clear of the weeds, and planting plenty of good seeds that I can nourish and grow as I move into this next phase of life.

 

 

 

 

 

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success

Harmony on the Horizon

By on April 5, 2018

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I started this blog to keep myself on track with my diet, a bit of accountability. Yesterday, I was outside with my husband mulching our flower beds, and I realized my next blog had to touch on the subject of integration. This is another glimpse into wellness, beyond  eating quality food.

From the holistic perspective, we are more than a body. True wellness encompasses mind, body, spirit, emotions, and relationships. If any of these areas are out of sync, then we can carry a weight, or dis-integration that is not the true essence of health and well-being. Several years ago, I heard the motivational speaker Jim Rohn say that “we are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Our closest relationships influence us greatly, whether we are aware of it or not. Our self-esteem, our way of thinking, and even our decisions can be affected by those in our inner sphere.

In my not-so-distant past, I carried a lot of negativity around with me in the form of relationships. My biggest offenders were my parents, and then on to my ex-husband. Those relationships carried similar traits with a lot of verbal abuse, gaslighting, and addiction. My reality was very skewed, I doubted myself, I believed negative words about myself, my closest friends, my decision-making ability, my desires for self-improvement, and on and on.

Several years ago, I landed on a positive group of people and I truly found my passion for my profession, my own healing, and healing for others. As I began that journey the negative relationships began to change. I started recognizing that their negativity was something I believed and accepted as my reality, which was something that kept me from feeling fully well.

Finding out that I could never “fix” those relationships by working harder or smarter was a tough reality for me to grasp. My personality type is one that enjoys winning, so letting the negativity go and “losing” and admitting I was wrong about someone was rough. I am so grateful for the circle of support I had around me as I was going through the transformation, and knowing what I know now has truly changed how I function in the world.

Fast forward to today– I am married to a wonderful man.  A man who speaks words that are uplifting, supportive, and honest. The first year of our marriage was actually tough, how could that be? I met him, recognized his good, fell in love and married then moved into our marriage with fear from my past experience. How could it be true? Did I deserve this? When is the other shoe going to drop? Over time, I have adjusted to opposite world, and can look at my surroundings while spreading mulch and be grateful to have someone like this in my life and KNOW that this good is real.

In my toxic relationships I worked from a place that “if I did this or that, then I will be loved or this or that will change”. That is something that will never work, nothing we do can change others. Having similar values, goals, dreams, and a desire to leave a similar footprint on the world are when relationships can be most harmonious. When there are major misalignments in relationships, our vision, our goals and even the expression of our innate truth can be blocked. I want to live in a place surrounded by support and positivity.

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