On Turning 40
I turned 40 in May. The day I turned 40 I received a phone call from my mom to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me that she is homeless. Sometimes I go months without hearing from her, and when we do talk it is like hearing the tale of a trainwreck.
Since early childhood I watched her walk a path of destruction. I always hoped she would “wake up” and make wise decisions, it just never happened. I wanted me and my brother to be important enough for her to fight to create a good life for us.
When I was about 14, I knew that one day homelessness would be her reality. I also kind of knew that if I wanted a different outcome, it was going to be up to me.
It is a sad reality, and at this point my life I have grieved the loss of a mother. Over the past decade, I have worked really hard on healing my mother wound. I know the women in my lineage have struggled for generations.
Choosing to Heal
The hardest work I do is on myself. Throughout this healing space sometimes the only thing I have truly known is that I have to go forward. Along the way I have to face fears or make steps even when my inner dialogue is less than pleasant.
My inner work is like “mental fitness”. I can either choose to be mentally-ill or balance and uplift and create the life I want to live. I have had to make the decision that I do not want to live in pain. One day I learned that I was responsible for my outcome.
My parents had bad circumstances, they felt a lot of pain and created a life of pain for their children. It was unfortunate. My dad overdosed when I was 33. That year I knew I had to wake up and stop allowing pain, failure, and unfortunate circumstances to dictate my behavior and moods.
I realized I could wake up and choose to fight like hell and make my dreams become a reality. That didn’t mean to wake up and fight like hell with the outside world so I had to fight with myself and find ways to relieve the lineage of pain.
The ways I’ve been able to balance myself and work out my past traumas and wounds has been quite an interesting journey and enlightening one, too.
My Top 5 Tools
I am going to share some of the things that have truly been life changers and have empowered me to find peace and healing.
- The one thing that has been constant in my life is having someone who believed in me. In each stage of my growth, I have had a friend, a mentor, a family member, or someone who showed me my worth. Believe it or not, when my mom is sober or having a moment of clarity, has been one of the cheerleaders. So the company I keep is tremendously important. Any success book I have ever read states that you are the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with. This lesson has been a tough one for me to learn.
- In a previous blog, I mentioned that essential oils have been a major tool for my healing. The simplicity and ease of using oil is super appealing to me and the benefits have been profound.
- Having a regular meditation practice is something else that keeps me grounded and peaceful. It is a place I can return each and every day and improves my daily life.
- The Emotion Code is something I found last summer and has really helped change some of my old patterns. It is truly a simple technique that can bring profound release.
- And believe it or not, my business has been huge. It has provided security (which relieves stress), personal growth, and has allowed me to serve others. It has provided more fulfillment than any other profession I have tried.
I write these tools down and look at them in retrospect and think “wow, that’s all”. I truly think the take-away message is that the strength came from within, once I stopped looking for it on the outside and started empowering myself to heal the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together rather magically.